Ghosting, according to the Urban dictionary, for those of you who haven’t been through it is when someone you believe likes you or cares about you, stops all contact without any warning or explanation. They just disappear.
When it happens, it can cause intense feelings of missing them, loneliness, confusion, and angst wondering where we went wrong. Far too many times after being ghosted we go through our mental rabbit hole and attempt to replay the events leading up to the disappearance to analyze what we could have done better.
- Make sure it was not something you said or did. Don’t overanalyze. We all can relate the times we’ve acted irrationally or out of anger.
- If you know you did not do anything, don’t ask him to explain it. Don’t ask him what happened. Don’t call his friends and demand he call you back. Just chill girl, you got this.
We were brought up playing house instead of GI Joe, so when there’s a disagreement, we are use to talking it through with every single person we know. We think about what we said, what they said, and analyze the events to where we are exhausted (and our friends are too). By calling him up or texting him and asking him to explain it, odds are, it will start an argument.
If it doesn’t start an argument, at the very least you’ll come off as needy, desperate, or clingy.
And we both know, you are not needy, desperate, or clingy.
You can’t change another personTweet
So what to do when you are ghosted?
I’d like to invite you to consider what is really being brought up for you mentally.
🥄 Are you feeling alone?
🥄 Are your feelings of being a burden triggered?
🥄 Are you comparing yourself to other “healthier” girls?
🥄 Do you worry about your scars, tubes, or the marks your health has on your body?
🥄 Have you had to cancel dates last minute because of your symptoms?
🥄 Do you run through the mental checklist of all the positive traits his ex’s have that you don’t?
Any of these intense emotional outbursts are commonly referred to as baggage. However, don’t worry sis, we all have baggage from time to time. The trick is knowing how to work with our deeper fears and baggage and loosen our emotional response to it.
For example, when my fiance pisses me off, I mentally go through every item on the checklist above. Having my own chronic conditions, I am no stranger to feeling like I am a burden, I am not good enough, I am unworthy of love, and that I will never be better than his ex’s. And then I look them up on Instagram to confirm, they are still healthy supermodels.
The thing is, when we’re experiencing our baggage, we can’t see through it. We only see it as our reality. Thirty minutes into cyber stalking, I notice the new cellulite on my thigh, wish my hair was a different color, and then get down about every part of my life.
And that’s not healthy.
Here are 3 things for you to do when being ghosted
1. Do not take it personally
I know, easier said than done from a writer who openly admits to stalking my fiance’s ex’s. The trick when you’re being ghosted is to remember all of your great traits. Write them down. Keep a record of all the reasons you are worthy of love and the reasons that regardless of anyone else’s opinion, you love yourself.
I happen to have a light pink leather journal that I keep with me at all times to remember compliments I’m given, encouraging messages on social media I’ve received, and the thoughts I have about my own worth. Then, during an anxious day, I read through it. Studies show that priming your mind to see your greatest qualities helps you to decrease stress and anxiety.
In addition, you can try to read a book that inspires you such as Salt in My Soul by Mallory Smith.
2. Get Busy
Spoonies, when you’re having a flare and a relationship isn’t going the way you want, it’s easy to focus on the flair and the problems. See this as an opportunity for you to just channel your inner Elsa and let it go.
Find an activity you can do and divert your energy into that. I prefer to find one activity for creativity, one for beauty, and one for wellness.
My Creative Distraction
Personally, I enjoy watching Erika Renne’s creative fashion and makeup ideas and then ordering supplies off Amazon to give a go. She’s a southern California gal that I met at a party years ago and time and time again, she’s proven clutch. Her DIY embellished jackets are fun and statement piece oriented, so it’s fun to attempt to recreate.
My Beauty Distraction
I also know when I deserve a salon day. Nothing says “I don’t care that you’ve ghosted me” like fresh extensions, a blow out, or even a professional shampoo. Even though cases of COVID are currently on the rise and I have an underlying condition, a simple mask and a reservation at a clean salon can help take your mind away from anything that is stressful. Bonus: when you look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman staring back you, you’ll remember all the reasons your future will work out rather than all the reasons it will not.
My Wellness Distraction
I know that my health complications are genetic and they are not something that I feel I can “send good vibes too and it’ll simply diseappear” away. Lord knows I’ve tried. I also know, when I am not eating healthy, taking care of myself, finding creative outlets to release stress, and forgetting to shower, I get triggered more than when I am on top of it.
If you feel him ghosting you is throwing you off to the point you can’t enjoy your day, my last tip to distract yourself is for you to find a wellness routine. Join a virtual workout class, download a yoga app like Beam (created by a warrior with Cystic Fibrosis), or simply use resistance bands to sweat it out.
3. Consider Yourself Better Off
This is the hardest part, when you know it wasn’t your fault and you’ve distracted yourself and yet, he still hasn’t responded.
Unfortunately, we live in a society where chivalry is tough to find and harder to keep. And we also live in a society where are there are good guys out there, who know how to have a calm conversation and they simply don’t disappear.
Ghosting should not be tolerated.Tweet
Chances are, if you are being ghosted, he has the baggage to work on. There’s even a chance he’s decided to move on and just neglected to tell you. And when that happens, I want to encourage you to move on also. I know it’s not preferred, you probably really liked him or else you wouldn’t be reading this article.
If he disappears and doesn’t communicate, he is not long term potential. Imagine ten years from now, if you were married, would you want a husband who just stops communicating at random and doesn’t come home for days? No. You’re better than that.
And you should be confident enough to try again. Countless men have shattered my heart for no good reason and every time I met another guy, I was thankful it didn’t work out with the jerk before him.
My heart learned forgiveness, my soul learned grace, and my mind learned grit.Tweet
Stop sulking, quit being sad, quit ruminating over why it didn’t work out and start to believe it one day will. And trust me sis, it will.
And now you have learned, when you are ghosted:
- Discover any baggage it brings up for you and let it go
- Find a creative outlet, a beauty outlet, and a wellness outlet to channel your inner warrior
- Go find the new and improved worthy guy.
If you’ve got any great tips you want to share, drop a comment below
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