Don’t confuse sparks with happily ever after, there are telltale signs you should break up with your partner
Relationships are complicated. One day, you’re single and finally embracing who you are and what your life journey is. The next, you meet someone or if you’re like me (swiped right) and there’s a spark. There are no signs you should break up. They have no character flaws. And you feel yourself falling in love. They are attractive, you can tell them anything, they make you laugh, they don’t care about your chronic illness, they may even want to visit you in the hospital.
Chemicals are released in your brains and you are swept off your feet. You start telling your friends and family about this one, how he is different than everyone else, and if you’re at all like my girlfriends and I, you will start creating wedding boards on Pinterest.
And then comes the first real fight.
You miscommunicate. Voices raises. Tensions escalate.
You call your girlfriends, crying. He withdraws to cool off. You call, email, text, frantically trying to have a conversation. He views that as needy and clingy. Your brain goes into over drive and now you are remembering all of those little things that you hated about him initially but overlooked. Like the way he slurps soup. Or how he is constantly 15 minutes late. And why can’t he ever seem to tweeze that ear hair?
A clinical Social Worker, Terry Gaspard recently shared “Chemistry can help you weather the storms of life but compatibility enables you to set goals and find shared meaning in your relationship”.
Or as I like to think of it: chemistry is the spark, compatibility is the love.
Occasionally, we are lucky enough to find someone that creates both inside of us. So when you fight, how do you know there are signs you should break up?
Signs You Should Break Up
Personal Growth and Development
When I met my now fiance, he was constantly talking about his quest for personal growth and development. Together, we started attending seminars and listening to great audible books on understanding our mindset. He even helped me receive my master practitioner credentials in a field of neuroscience called neurolinguistic programming, which is exactly why you’re reading this blog right here.
When we fight, although rare, it can be intense. And the most beautiful thing about our training, is that we can get over the issue quickly. We know how to calm ourselves in the moment, have an unemotionally charged conversation, and get back to being best friends.
Look for a partner who is committed to personal growth and development in the same way you are. Look for a partner who is willing to learn how to improve, not because they are flawed but because they want to be a better person than they were yesterday.
Look for a partner who knows what their deeper level values are. Many times, we immediately think our values are love, respect, and understanding. And yet, if we all believe those are our values, how do we all differ in our actions?
I am not referring to the artificial values we think we should have. What are your unconscious level values? Who are you at the core? Who is your partner?
If you want to know your deeper level values and compare them with your partners, go here and download our free worksheets. Consider turning this into a date-night activity. The greater you understand yourself, the greater your ability is to make decisions and navigate rough waters.
It may come as no surprise that money is the leading cause of stress in relationships.
Ryan Odem is a financial planner and Instagram influencer known as The Bullish Millennial. (He’s also single). When asked about why couples fight with money, he pinpointed it comes down to not creating ALIGNMENT.
“It takes communication from both people to become intentional with how to spend money. Both parties need an understanding on what ADDS value to the other person’s life.”- Ryan OdemTweet
If the guy loves snowboarding and spends his money on his hobby, there should be support as long as the rest of the financial situation is respected. This goes the same for the spoonie who spends in excess on healthy foods and weighted blankets. There has to be a mutual understanding on what both parties spend money on, and alignment with acceptance.
Find the partner who has the same money principles and develop a plan to overcome the differences.
Sex and Intimacy
We’ve all heard stories of a great one nighter. Some of us have even had one ourselves. Handsome stranger, incredible connection, deep sensuality. And then, we neglect to call him back.
There’s a difference between intimacy and sex. I know, I know, you’ve heard this before. You want to be with a partner who is intimate in the same way you are. If you like it soft and slow, they have to give that to you. However, this isn’t a one way street. If your partner has a different style or is going through something and needs it to be more intense, you have to be willing to accommodate also.
Leading up to the moment, during the moment, and after the moment both of you need to still vibe. Do you prefer to cuddle and your partner hates it? There’s a conversation needed there. If you want more than sex, then you have to have communication. Sex can complicate things when there is no clear intention behind it. And sis, if he doesn’t want to have that conversation, block him. Unless you don’t want to either… then go for round 2.
We all question if the sparks will lead to a white picket fence or if this is just another dating disaster story waiting to happen. We all look for signs we should break up from time to time. Here’s the cold hard truth. Sometimes, when we are angry or in a heightened emotional state, we google things to justify how we are feeling. We want the validation externally on how we feel internally.
However, I want to encourage you to not break up. I want to encourage you to work on fixing the deeper problems. Remember the spark that brought you two together and go on a real date again. Remember that it’s you two against the opposition, not you two in opposition. There are failed relationships because two people that were once best friends decided an artificial metric should destroy that relationship.
Love is the answer and if you can look at each other and know there’s still love in your heart, then work on the romance instead of the break up strategy.Tweet
It’s worth it, sis.
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