What Men Want (Spoonie Edition)

Hey babe, here’s the deal. I am a fellow spoonie and I have had my fair share of dates (related: dating a doctor). Sometimes, I’m not proud of that. Other times, I think it serves a higher purpose. At the very least, now that I’m engaged, I can take an educated guess at what men want. Really want. Other than sex. Although, in my experience, they always want that too. So go through this list, discover what men want for yourself, and if you still are stuck… sex.

Now hear me out, before you read this list…keep an open mind.

what men want
what men want

What men want: You to stop caring about what you’re wearing

Trust me, guys love it when we try to look our very best. Paradoxically, they also don’t tend to notice when we look our absolute worst. Don’t believe me? Every hospitalization when it’s been a week since I’ve showered, my nails are chipped, my teeth are yellower and stained with vomit, my fiance still shows up, kisses my forehead, and says I’m beautiful.

I can’t explain it, but they have some kind of guy filter that programs their brain to look for what is beautiful while women tend to focus on what is not beautiful. Remember that quote about how girls dress up for other girls, not their men? It’s true.

Babe, he doesn’t notice if you look flawless. He notices you for who you are and has this incredible power to overlook the times when you’re a hot mess. And if he doesn’t? Block him. There’s better guys out there who will appreciate you for who you are.

So if you’re trying on outfit #2532 and about to give up, dress up as if you’re going out with the girls. Trust me, he doesn’t care. He cares about YOU. Not the dress. Not the shoes. Not the nailpolish.

You be the best you, you can and the rest falls into place.

What men want: You to stop obsessing over your scars, medical devices, and treatment protocols

Every single girl out there has insecurities. Except me, I’m perfect. Okay, kidding of course.

Since my career started to take off, I’ve been beyond blessed to hang out with some of societies most elite women. And trust me, many times I didn’t feel like I fit in. My port juts out from my chest, many times it is even accessed. I’ve shown up to cocktail parties rocking needles and my dresses or shirts tend to fold in where my stomach scars are resulting in looking like I have lumps of belly fat.

And you know what? I’ve never taken my shirt off in front of a guy and had them run away in horror at the litany of scars. They are just happy my shirt is off. It’s petty but true. If you have an ostemy bag, continual glucose monitor, a port, or any other device attached to you, I want you to consider loving how strong your body is. Look at all you’ve accomplished and all you are going to accomplish in your life.

Take a deep breath. Accept yourself. Accept your body.

Trust me babe, he isn’t going to run away when you’re naked. He’s stoked that you’re naked. It’s that simple.

And if you have the rare experience where a guy is uncomfortable about your body, stare a little harder at his. Unless you’re about to hook up with Channing Tatum, this guy isn’t worth the headache. There’s a chance his body isn’t all that great. And there’s probably a part of his brain so worried about his insecurities that yours aren’t on the top of his mind.

Odds are, the small things you are uncomfortable with a man will not care about. They just want to enjoy us.

Also: they don’t care about your income or lack of

GIRL, you are not worthless because your medical bills exceed your income. You are not a burden. You are not unworthy.

You know what? I was making over 6 figures as a headhunter in my twenties. I had abs. I was moderately healthy. I was fun. I was blonde.

I had so many relationships in a few years that I couldn’t figure out where I kept going wrong. Why did none of them stick around the next morning? Because I cared about the wrong things. I cared about my bank account, my career, my abs, my superficial attitude. I never considered the power of self love, or giving back to society. I wasn’t passionate about anything. I wasn’t alive inside. I just floated through life and different dates hoping for something to click for me.

You know when I met my fiance? When I was on social security disability with 40% lung function. And I was couch surfing for places to stay off Craigslist because I legit couldn’t afford rent in San Diego. But I was consistently giving back to society, helping others, leaning in to service work, and finding my passion about life.

He didn’t care about how successful I use to be. Or my lack of income when we met. And now that I’m fortunate enough to be a business owner, he doesn’t even care about the consistency of my income. I change lives. He brings home the bacon. I cook it. We have a system that works for us and what makes it work is the gratitude we have for each others accomplishments, regardless of how they are monetized.

Have a beautiful mind. Have a beautiful heart.
Be grateful for what you do have instead of what you do not.

Be passionate about something other than your paycheck.

What men want: you to be interested

Many women don’t think they should text a man first, they don’t believe they should ask for a date, or initiate a makeout sesh. It’s bull. Men want what we all want, for someone to be genuinely interested in who they are. Ask them unique questions. Get to know their soul. Be interested in their hopes, dreams, goals, and passions.

Ask them about their past, seek to be curious. Do not pass judgement when they open up and be there for them if they choose to disclose something personal.

The first time my fiance cried in front of me, I didn’t quite know how to react. But I reacted with love and compassion and let him be him. Have you ever seen an animal in the wild? A deer getting a drink from a fresh spring is refreshing for both the deer and you in that moment. Let the guy be himself. Let him express himself.

When you love him for who he is, when you’re interested in his future as much as your own, everything becomes more beautiful and intimate than you can imagine.

What men want: you know

Sis, as a last resort, ask yourself…. if you were a guy, interested in you, what would you want? You already know that answer. Go do it.

It’s not as complicated as you may think to find out what men want. (Related: How to know if he’s the one) Pick a few or all from this list and get started on making it happen. Comment below any other ideas you have on what men want and let’s get the discussion going.

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We hope you enjoyed learning what men want today, check out our entire column of dating advice

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